Some of our favorite heroes and villains in the Star Wars universe show us how to stay safe during our COVID-19 quarantine…
Whether you’re on the sunny shores of Naboo or the slimy streets of Newark, the past few weeks have flooded you with alerts about COVID-19 like they’re Star Wars casting rumors. Governments around the galaxy have been locking down their populations to various degrees, but one phrase has blossomed more than any other.
Social distancing.
That’s right. A phrase previously reserved for third date disasters and Sadie Hawkins dances has taken over the popular lexicon, and as civilians attempt to constantly maintain six-foot barriers while consuming that crazy Netflix tiger docuseries, we are met with one question:
What would our heroes do?
Well luckily for us, a galaxy far, far away has been filled with characters practicing these very same practices since 1977. Let’s take a look at the top five social distancers that can teach us a thing or two as we adjust to our new routines.
5. Luke Skywalker
Fresh off of his Death Star victory during the Battle of Endor, Luke Skywalker was welcomed back to the Rebellion with open arms — literally! Luke quickly became master of hugging, handshaking, and (very likely) baby kissing as tales of his legacy swept throughout the burgeoning New Republic, and for a while, everything seemed great.
But then, he had a bit of an incident with his nephew.
And when a crisis strikes, what else is there to do but remove yourself from society in order to minimize the chances of physical contact? Upon the peaks of Ahch-To, Luke isolated himself from every handshake and contaminated doorknob he could imagine, and as a result, the young Jedi hopeful Rey was able to discover the old man in perfect health!
But was Luke simply content with his own form of disease avoidance? No!
When he stumbled upon Rey and Kylo Ren committing the dastardly deed of touching hands during such a serious time, he blew up a building with his mind.
While some could have considered this an overreaction, we can all be inspired by Luke’s clear dedication to disease prevention.
4. Yoda
Never a fan of an overabundance of physical intimacy, Yoda took his self-imposed isolation one step further by plunging himself into exile at the conclusion of Revenge of the Sith. Despite his questionable decision to share his final touching moments caressing admittedly luscious Wookiee fur, Yoda’s choice to flee to Dagobah firmly planted him on our list.
After all, who needs real friends when you have a cadre of snakes?
Yoda’s intention to remain connected to the Force was clear upon his arrival at Dagobah, and thanks to the rampant (and immune) population of wildlife, the Jedi Grandmaster was able to have the best of both worlds.
His connection to the cosmic energy of the universe was never stronger than during his isolation on the swamp-covered world, and at the end of the day, he was even able to reunite with the spirits of his friends long since gone.
Being able to talk to your besties when they are literally impossible to touch? Sounds like the social distancing jackpot, if you ask me.
3. Obi-Wan Kenobi
“I wonder if he means Old Ben Kenobi?”
Ben Kenobi, you say? More like Ben Practicing Safe Social Distancing for 19 Years! The dedication showcased by Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi’s refusal to rejoin society for the better part of two decades not only cemented his reputation in the eyes of young Luke, but also serves as a model for our own fears about quarantine.
Are you crippled by Netflix indecision? How about living in a hut with one book for years on end?
Have you considered meditation as a part of your new daily ritual? So did he! And he ended up talking to his dead mentor.
Granted, our beloved Obi-Wan deserves a minor rebuke for his careless decision to handle Luke without the use of sterile handwear, but given that he hadn’t really touched anyone since the Duchess Satine, we’ll give him a begrudging pass.
And let’s be honest…he probably washed his hands.
2. D-O
When your most famous quote is “No-no-no thank you!” you have no choice but to be in the Hall of Fame of Enforced Personal Space. D-O’s strength not only lies in his actual inability to contract any type of virus, but also in his firm dedication to being an example for his organic friends.
Even when Rey, a well-intentioned savior figure, offers to show him his first real measure of intimacy since his manufacture date, our cone-headed hero remains the picture of polite refusal.
His stance on physical contact is as firm as the radius of his barrier, and no sense of Western decorum will shake that foundation.
He is strong. He is sanitary. He is D-O.
In a time when thousands, if not millions, of people imagine themselves to be incapable of virus contraction, this little droid serves as a constant reminder of the duty we all have to safeguard those more vulnerable than us.
Although one “no” will do just fine.
1. Darth Vader
Was there ever any contest?
The fallen form of Anakin Skywalker freely flaunts his feet across the stars in a mechanical suit that renders him incapable of any type of physical contact.
And he has a built-in respirator!
Previously in this article, I have carelessly thrown around the word “inspiration,” and I now realize the error of my ways as that moniker should only be attributed to this selflessly sanitary Sith Lord. His dedication to social distancing is such that not only has he resisted having one single friend for twenty years, but the simple sight of his flesh by any other person usually leads to their death.
A harsh lesson? Perhaps. An effective one? Undeniably so.
Darth Vader’s voice, alone, is a constant reminder of the detrimental effects of respiratory failure, and if the sounds of his presence alerted even one Imperial officer to the importance of hand washing and isolation, then how can we not call him a hero?
A man who brings the social distance by the virtue of his own existence? Remarkable. We could all learn something.
And even if you’re not patrolling the decks of a Star Destroyer while encased in a living metal nightmare, you can still do your part by keeping your own social distance of six feet, washing your hands to the tune of the Imperial March, and marathoning Episodes I-VIII now on Disney+.